Oh how loathsome.

I am paralyzed by self loathing. Turned inwards it has become a personal hell of obsessions, compulsions, depression, illness, anger, frustration.
The painful thoughts are my personal demons.
Knowing the familiar patterns, being able to verbalize these, is but the first step, it doesn’t help pull me out of my personal hell.
Time and again the demons return.
And then I ask for a miracle and do not hesitate to say 'God please help me'

Memories of the past, my own insecurities, complexes gathered and created the hell. Looked at from a position of fear all good recedes and the entire focus becomes dark and menacing

My Little Princess

Muffin would have been 20 years old today. I miss my baby so much.

Happy Birthday, princess.

Love,
Mommy

Seinfield in a nutshell

The Title to the Blog of the Next Chapter to the Book of the Rest of My Life

When a chapter in your life is finished, it's an end as well as the start of the beginning to the rest of your life. But sometimes instead of starting the next chapter, we go back and attempt to rewrite a part of the last chapter we were unsatisfied with. You extract everything after the part where things started to turn bad and continue rewriting with the goal that it will flow with how you would like your next chapter to start. Pushing aside the knowledge that if the last chapter is manipulated, you change the whole rest of your book, you still try to figure out ways to make your next chapter work by adding in additional chapters hoping you make the plot jump more reasonable. But by adding new chapters, you're only pushing your next chapter further and further away until you forget the originally intended idea of your book, leaving your book filled with excuse after excuse as to why your readers should find the rest of your book convincing and plausible. But excuses and bad attempts to twist the plot only end up leaving the reader either too bored to finish your book or confused and unconvinced that the chapters you manipulated and added fit well into the whole which makes up your book.
After finally giving up attempting to make things fit you can choose to either give up on the book entirely, go back to the place you messed up and start this whole process again but with even more problems to fix, or- you can start a new chapter in the book to the rest of your life.

Kudos, Montel!

Damn, hosts of Fox and Friends got served by Montel Williams last Saturday morning. The ex-marine lectured hosts of the Fox show on how idiotic it was they focussed so much time and media on the Heath Ledger death as if it were some sort of national crisis or disaster, especially when a REAL tragedy is happening in Iraq with little or no news coverage. (a record being 37 deaths just this month in Iraq!)

This video footage is a rarity to see on cable TV, but it definitely shows just how much American news has turned into nonsense and tabloid material produced to keep the American demographic happy in their warm comfortable homes, making sure they keep in mind "old news is boring to Americans" and to "show them something more interesting like the death of a celebrity or which pop star is pregnant." Because that's what really sets the ratings high! I'm just glad somebody, even if it was Montel Williams, said something about it on national television. And word is, Montel even lost his contract over it. To me, well fucking worth it, fucking Fox Network cock-suckers. This is why I HATE television.

Kudos, Montel Williams, kudos.

So there, America's NOT Number One.

365 Days of Trash

Whoa, talk about a more interesting blog than my own.